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I find the whole idea a bit ridiculous and a turn-off. What should I do?

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For a few months, I buried myself in physiological explanations for why someone might enjoy being spanked.

The process also causes blood to rush to the pelvic region, which mimics sexual arousal. And as I translated my feelings and memories into these words, I took control of a desire that has controlled me for most of my life. But the fantasy was by no means confined to the oldies: a twentysomething convent-educated Erotic Review writer used to pop out in her lunch hour dressed as a schoolgirl for one of her boyfriends, who liked to bend her over his knee.

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It was exhausting and depressing to try to justify my obsession. Kahr wrote that if these statistics were blacl to the whole wantee, you could estimate that between five million and 11 million British adults are keen on spanking in the boudoir. Devotees will tell you that spanking helps bring better blood circulation to the rump and thus stimulates sensitive areas. The implications are often tame: A couple buys handcuffs, experiments with hot wax, and tosses in the occasional spanking.

I find the whole idea a bit ridiculous and a turn-off. We had met a few weeks earlier through a Stanford student group. And when it ,eattractive to getting turned on and orgasmingour brains deserve more credit than they often get.

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I felt comfortable, confident — even celebratory. Tom Sawyer went through many re, as did — believe it or not — key dictionary entries. This obsession felt impossible to share, so I was always hungry for cues that someone could relate. The relationship was doomed. At 17, I met my first boyfriend while living abroad.

But when I started college and got my first personal computer, everything changed. A meattractibe playful swats during sex seem fun, while serious spankings seem damaged and perverse.

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Or uncomfortable. I always share my writing with David, and this time would be no different. Pain causes an endorphin rush, which can be pleasurable.

I often tried to pinpoint the origins of my obsession. I had long assumed my life partner would share my kink.

And I stopped feeling like wantrd freak — almost. When my best friend and I wrote short stories together, I exorcised my nascent fantasies by subjecting our characters to ritualized, punitive beatings. More pressingly, what is she supposed to say to her brand-new boyfriend?

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One of Mortimer's former lovers, Molly Parkin, told the barrister's biographer, Graham Lord: 'When it came to love-making, what he most liked me to do was to smack him on the botty. In online anonymity I found a community that shared my interest and insecurities. By the time we broke up, I had come to accept that a shared fetish was a necessary part of any future relationship. My kink developed early.

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The solution, I realized, had been sleeping next to me for almost six years. After years of pretending I was interested only in the occasional erotic swat, I finally had to admit it to myself: Although spankings do satisfy a strong sexual need, they satisfy an equally strong psychological one. In my experience, it's a harmless impulse and few spankers progress to whips and dungeons. I was thunderstruck. Begin Slideshow Illustrated by Anna Sudit.

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He was quiet and broad-shouldered. So what is a nice girl who meattractive happens to love being spanked supposed to think? A proficient spanker will vary pace and pressure to ascertain what their lover finds most erotic. Many of my childhood friends experienced some form of corporal punishment and emerged into adulthood unburdened with daily thoughts on the subject.

He started tickling me. I remember one septuagenarian writing in and asking 'to see more pictures of lovely, red rumps being spanked by a paddle in your august publication'.

But it seemed like a safe first step. Almost, I decided, would have to be enough.